I Only Had Kids to Harvest Their Kidneys

A few weeks ago, I was walking Lucy at 5 in the morning because I no longer sleep like a normal human being and noticed a strange thing in the sky. It horrified me immediately, and I assumed, rightly so upon retrospect, that the world was ending.

What I saw was a convoy of alien spaceships.

At least, that’s what I thought I saw.

It was a procession of starlike lights in the sky, all moving at the exact same speed and clipping through the heavens at an impressive pace.

“Well. This is it, my friend,” I cried aloud to my dog, “The aliens are now using means of convoy travel to usurp new worlds. We fucked, my friend. We. Most definitely. Fucked.”

I took some pictures of the thing because that’s what any ill-informed person does when they are at a loss but feel like they should be doing something, and then I booked shit home to hide in my garage until the end times arrived.

While I waited, I decided to Google “line of stars in sky” to see if anyone else had witnessed what I had.

I immediately learned how ill-informed I truly was.

Starlink. Oh, Elon, will you ever stop scaring the ever-living shit out of me?

I don’t walk Lucy in the early mornings anymore because I don’t want to see Starlink zipping through the early morning sky. I don’t know why a chain of satellites scares me so, but it does. Like all things I have an irrational fear of, I shall avoid it forevermore.

Now I try to walk the dog during daylight hours. Or, like today, at dusk. And I say things to my dog like, “That’s one big ass bitch, Lucy.” as I point out the majesty of the moon.

I’ve taken to walking Lucy two times a day in a desperate attempt to burn some of the calories I’ve acquired from shoving my face with Chinese food all day, every day.

I’ve recently rekindled my love for Chinese food.

For years I vehemently stated with authority that I hated the stuff.

“I just really don’t like the taste of it,” I’d lie to my husband when he’d try to convince me that we should do takeout.

“I’ll go for sushi or Vietnamese, but it’s a hard no on Chinese food.” He was always so disappointed. Sadly, I am heartless, and his sighs of resignation did not disturb me.

On our anniversary this past year, I relented and ordered him Chinese food. That was the only gift he received.

I promptly remembered why I hate Chinese food.

Because I love it so damn much.

I have one sole mission when there is Chinese food in my general vicinity, and that is to endlessly consume until there is no longer any Chinese food in my general vicinity.

Today, for example, I woke up and ate a heaping bowl of chicken fried rice. Two hours later, I ate beef chow mien with a side of Shanghai thick noodles. Then an hour after that, some sweet and sour pork. I’m eating beef and broccoli as I type this.

I always forget that in the world of westernized Chinese food, a meal for four is really a meal for 10 and a meal for 6 (which is what we ordered a few nights ago) is a meal for 18.

Alas, I can eat for 18 in a matter of 36 hours, so needless to say, there is no longer any Chinese food to be had in this household.

“This house is clean,” as the creepy Poltergeist lady once said.

It is a real problem. Not only because I suspect that I’ve gained 10 pounds in the past 24 hours but also because I have a physical coming up at the doctors, and I fear that MSG and sodium will be seeping from my various bodily pores.

I’ve been on a mission recently to set out on a healthy course.

As the cancer progresses in my dad, it’s really got me thinking about my own health and lifestyle. I worry that my solitary kidney won’t be able to keep up with all the rich foods and wine. I fear that I, too, will find myself in an early grave before I reach retirement age.

I’ve become obsessed with my kidney function as of late. When you own one less organ than you’re supposed to, odds are that’s where your issues are going to begin.

Kidney-friendly diets are not fun diets.

• Limit red meats and nuts.
• No dairy.
• Severely reduced sodium intake.
• WATER WATER WATER
• Absolutely no alcohol or nicotine

The list goes on. I want to do right by myself. I want to be the kind of person who enjoys looking after her body, but there lies the problem — that mentality goes against everything I value at my core.

I love rich foods. Have you ever eaten beef wellington?! Beef and pastry? How can anyone not want to shove that down their gullet?

No dairy? But I can still eat cheese, though, right?

I’m already failing before I’ve even begun.

A few weeks ago, I walked into the living room and my kids, Lars and Sophie, were play wrestling on the floor. Lars was giving Sophie light but concerning kidney shots, and my kneejerk reaction was to yell, “Hey, what are you doing? I might need one of those kidneys one day!”

“Did you just admit that you only had us to harvest our kidneys?” Sophie said, not missing one single beat.

“Well, no. Not in so many words,” I mumbled.

Then Lars went on punching Soph, and she bellowed, “Lars, stop bruising Mom’s kidneys!”

Because I’m not quite the monster I portray in many of these stories, I wonder if I’d even be able to take a kidney from one of my children. I know it’s been done, but I don’t know if I could do it. I don’t know if I could willingly put them under the knife. I’m really banking on my brother to have a loner kidney he’d be willing to give up.

Overall, it’s a deep dark thought-worry, and I’m not willing to explore at this current time.

I guess that’s why I need to get serious about this kidney-friendly diet.

That or start hoping that a convoy of aliens really does come to wreak havoc on earth.

Lindsay Rae Brown is such an asshole. There she is writing that awful clickbait title and didn’t even address the joke until the end of the article. Ugh. People like her are the worst.

If you want to do the equivalent of chucking coins aggressively at a street performer who somewhat entertained you, feel free to leave Lindsay a 37-cent tip with the link below.

That or check out these stories that will also make you uncomfortable.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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Photo credit: Photo by julien Tromeur on Unsplash

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